Posts Tagged ‘mike bloomberg’

HOW THE GRINCH BANNED SODA

Sunday, April 28th, 2013

 

Many folks

Down in New York

Liked soda a lot…

 But the Grinch

 Who was Mayor

 Did NOT!

 

The Grinch hated soda! All kinds of flavors

 Now please don’t ask why.  Looked at all with disfavor!

It could be his palate and tastes were urbane

It could be perhaps that he just drank champagne.

 But I think the most likely reason of all

Was because, as a man well, the Mayor was small.

 

 

But

Whatever the reason,

His height or his wealth

He was too-too concerned with everyone’s health.

Making speeches and statements, he tried best he could

 To convince New Yorkers this was for their own good.

No more soda or smoking or transfats or fun.  

An era of free choice and freedom was done.

 

“But they’re drinking their sodas,” he snarled with a sneer

They won’t have a chance to at this time next year!

If it’s seventeen ounces of Fanta or Pepsi

They’ll have to be happy with unsweetened Nestea.

 

 

For

Come next year, he knew…

He would have his own way

Not over cranberry juice or OJ

Nor coffee nor liquor nor hot NesCafe

But one day he would!  HAVE HIS WAY!  HAVE HIS WAY!

 

 

Why, look at the streets where the traffic once flourished,

There are bikes!  There are bikes!

There are bikes!

                                     BIKES!

                                                  BIKES!

                                                            BIKES!

 

They would ride them in bike lanes painted brand-new!

They would ride them on sidewalks, slam into you!

 

And THEN

They’d do something

He liked most of all

They’d ride them through all those pedestrian malls!

 

They’d ride them down Lexington, up Park Avenue

They’d ride where they wanted with no thought of you!

 

 They’d ride!  And they’d ride!

AND they’d RIDE!  RIDE! RIDE!  RIDE!

 Through red lights, on sidewalks, against STOP! Signs too! 

And the Grinch who was Mayor, he hadn’t a clue

“But they’ll be better off just as soon as I’m through”

Said the Grinch who was Mayor who knew…

                                                            …thought HE!

 

 

For he had an idea!

 

A brilliant idea!

The MAYOR

HAD A FABULOUS EVIL IDEA!

 “I know just what to do!” he laughed to himself

Quite a huge idea from one tall as an elf!

“They whine and complain, it’s all so hard to take.

How will they respond when l ban chocolate cake?”

 

“I will ban all the chocolate

I know that I can!

Chocolate truffles and soufflés, cashews and pecans,

But I won’t stop at that,”

The short mayor said

“I’ll ban brownies and cookies and donuts and bread.”

 

Then he called Janette Sudik-Khan, Transportation head,

And said “Stop riding your bike, we’ve got work ahead!

THEN

He called his daughter

The equestrian one

And said, “Hold your horses!

There’s much to be done!”

“But, Daddy, dear Daddy,

“I don’t mean to whine,

 But my schedule is filled

With all things equine.”

Then I’ll have to rely on one person — that’s me!

And not leave in the hands of petit-bourgoursie

 I will ban all these sweets by Mayoral Decree!

 

There’ll be no chocolate squares or chocolate parfaits

No more Three Musketeers, nary one Milky Way!

Take all Hershey Kisses and kiss them adieu

So long, Snickers Bars, Almond Joys, Milk Duds too!

And premium chocolates, they haven’t a chance

Don’t care if they’re imported from  Belgium or France

And those dreadful strawberries dipped in chocolate

And those pretzels and raisins and rest of that rot!

 

 

And that white chocolate too, ‘cause you can’t fool the Mayor

Small like Paul Simon but still I’m a playa!

Chocolate Santas! Chanukah coins! Easter bunnies too!

Chocolate milk, chocolate pudding! Chocolate fondue!

No more Rocky Road ice cream or mint chocolate chip

I just love a benevolent dictatorship!

My powers are limitless in the Big Apple

And soon all you’ll be drinking is Diet Peach Snapple

I love making unilateral moves in this town

There’ll be no more chocolate,  I’ll ban all foods brown!

That’s right!  I will do it!  Don’t believe me?  Just you wait!

Remember Alexander? Well,  I’m Bloomberg the Great!

 No more hamburger, roast beef or baked potatoes!

No brown gravy, no mushrooms, no more Cheerios!

You’ll never eat brown rice or ribs or whole oats!

Say bye-bye to pumpernickel bread and groats!

 “But why, Mayor Bloomberg, do something so silly?”

 Asked Zooey and Chloe and Jacob and Billy,

 “Why?” asked their parents, “our kids are entitled

 “It’s their wants and desires that are key, that are vital!”

 We loved you Mike Bloomberg, our first three-term mayor

 We knew you’d protect us and the ozone layer

 You wear crewneck sweaters in Grade A cashmere

And agreed to be Mayor for one buck a year!

Why must you tell us what is good and what’s not?

Note:  that arrogant manner doesn’t help you a lot.

We sense that you come to us with no ill intent

Have your aides pointed out your bad Spanish accent?

 

What’s that noise? groused the Mayor I can’t help but hear

So he stopped.  And put his small hand to his small ear.

“I can see a crowd forming,” the Mayor remarked

“Hope it’s not filthy hipsters from Zucotti Park!”

 Every person in New York, the rich and the poor

Were there to say, “Enough, Mike!  Please! No more!

Some were eating spelt bread, some were drinking blue juice

Mayor Bloomberg’s “suggestions” were being refused!

 You can deal with the unions, the teachers and cops

Attend Broadway openings, the hits and the flops

Bring commerce to New York, more jobs and more tourists

 

And on your own time you can save the rain forest

The Mayor just grimaced, pressed his face to the pane.

Was perplexed, so confused: who are they to complain?

 I only wanted what was best for them all

Have you seen what I’ve done with pedestrian malls?

 And what happened then?

Well, the Mayor just grumbled, then smiled to himself,

These New Yorkers don’t know what is good for themselves

They need me, they know it, I don’t mean to annoy

I like being in charge, what’s not to enjoy?

 

Take back your brown food, have a chocolate bar

 Perhaps you are right and I’ve gone way too far

 No more control freak, do whatever you want,

 It’s time for Mike Bloomberg to be nonchalant

 I will live and let live and try not to judge

 I won’t be bitter, I won’t hold a grudge

 You can drink all your sweet drinks and eat chocolate fudge!

 And with that…

 

 The Grinch who was Mayor took off for D.C.

 With only four years, much to do, much to see

 “Time to change my demeanor, never meant to be mean”

 “I can compromise surely, find the “in between”

Bloomberg/Sudik-Khan in 2016!

 

I can ban DuPont Circle, maybe make it a square

 Close the Capital Steps, institute BloombergCare

 Turn the National Mall to a pedestrian space

 Give the Lincoln Memorial a handsomer face

 

Get those pandas from China to try and slim down

 Move the White House to more desirable Georgetown

 Add bike lanes to the Beltway, maybe have a marathon

 Build a Mike Bloomberg wing at the Smithsonian

 

I will have so many things to change and see to

 I just love politics – there’s soooooo much to do!

 

DEAR KINDLY MAYOR BLOOMBERG….

Tuesday, June 19th, 2012

Dear Mayor Bloomberg,

 

I’m not in your life when it comes to galas and cocktails and dinners prepared by your private chef.  You never remember my birthday, invite me to any of your several palatial homes.  I don’t get special license plates so I can park in front of Radio City Music Hall nor do you offer me a ride to the airport on your helicopter so I don’t have to live in LIE traffic.   So, if you’re not going to help me, Mike, why are you trying to control me?    Choice is something that I’m used to.  You seem to like choice too.

 

When you became mayor, no one said, “Like it or not – you have to live in Gracie Mansion because NYC mayors have lived there for over 70 years and it’s the official residence of the Mayor of New York.”

 

We let you decide.  No one told you that if you are really a Democrat you shouldn’t have run on the Republican ticket.  We looked the other way.  Granted, we shook our heads but we looked the other way.

Bike lanes

And though probably everyone told you, “Don’t turn parking spots into bike lanes and make the cars park in the middle of the street, (1st Avenue, 2nd Avenue, 7th and 8th Avenues) forcing cabs to let passengers out in the third lane of traffic, aka “the middle of the street,” you thought, “Hey – I’m the Mayor and why should anyone tell me what to do?”

 

You chose to do this  – a little meshugah, no?  That there aren’t body bags lining the streets yet means you’ve been as fortunate at obstructing pedestrian and automobile traffic as you have been in finance.  And then let’s not forget that air quote third term.

 

Where is the disconnect, Mayor Mike?  You don’t seem to see the lack of logic in what you want, what other people want, and the fact you can’t always get what you want. But you still want it and plan to get it.  Is it because, as a billionaire, you feel entitled?  Is it because you are so politically infused and connected, you feel powerful?  Or, is it that, as a relatively short guy, your chief goal in life is to make the world pay for your lack of heightitude?     First, it was cigarettes.  I don’t smoke, they’re terrible for you and they irritate those around you.  But I like choice.  Even though I think your heart was in the right place, most of us have had, or have a Mommy and Daddy and we were pretty pissed when they told us what to do.   And the cigarettes were just the beginning – we were Neville Chamberlain and you just “wanted” Czechoslovakia.

Picture of Adolf Hitler greeting Neville Chamberlain upon the British Prime Minister's arrival in Munich in 1938.

 

Then came the pedestrian plazas.

  • What gives with all the people? Where's the honking traffic?! Not anymore at the Crossroads of the World, as Broadway is now folks-only from 47th to 42nd Street, as well as down at Herald Square. >

No vote, no say.  Maybe I’d like to catch the M104 or M7 bus and get from 47th Street to 14th Street in less than a fortnight.  Maybe looking at tourists from Kansas City or Alpharetta, Georgia in their Dockers and Crocs and fanny-packs is nauseating enough when I quickly zip by them as I walk.  But to display them like county fair exhibits, sprawled out on, for all practical purposes, lawn chairs, is neither aesthetically pleasing nor emotionally soothing.

 

And now of course, your ixnay on the 64-ounce Supersize drinks.  Again, I don’t drink sugar-soda, but my theory is that you are doing this because the 64-ounce cup is huge, mammoth-size, physically imposing.  And you are not.  We both know that people who still want those 64-ounce sweet drinks are now going to buy two 32-ounce cups because you will not change their behavior.  You will only change their economic status because they will have to pay more for two-32 ounces than one 64-ounce cup.  And they will do this because you have to have your way, Kim Jong Mike.

File:KimJongIl.JPG


 

You make me want to run for mayor, Mike.  I’d hate the parades and the ribbon-cutting ceremonies, and getting those sanitation trucks to prep for a blizzard.  Oy. But you’ve made being mayor look like fun because it seems you just kinda get to do whatever the heck you want to.  Like Eloise at the Plaza Hotel, or most members of the Kennedy family.

 

And so, as Mayor Mollie, here are just a few of the things I have in mind.  I hereby do decree:

1. Whole Foods is changed to Hole Foods, selling only food items with holes –   bagels, Fruit Loops, donuts, Cheerios, Swiss cheese, Ecstasy candy necklaces, Lifesavers  – a funny thought I once had and now, as your mayor, can implement.

                                                                               types of bagels
                                                              

 

 

2. I get to live in the American Wing of the Metropolitan Museum of Art.  Because I can.

Am Wing plaza view

 

 

3.   I don’t like Mexican food.  No more Chipotle Grills or Tex/Mex franchises.  You like guacamole, mole sauce, tostadas?  Go to Oaxaca.

 

 

4. CHANGES AT TIMES SQUARE

 

A)Pedestrian plazas – mowed down along with any pedestrians left gawking at Jumbotron.  Car lanes restored.  ABSOLUTELY NO BIKE LANES – Honk your Harpo Marx bike horn if you’re bummed.  Awwwww.

 

B)”Mamma Mia!”– Ciao!  Get out of Broadway and take Newsies with you.

Disney's 'Newsies' Is Broadway Bound

 

C)Madame Tussaud’s –Returned to Marylebone Road, London.  She’d have wanted it that way.

 

D) Naked Cowboy – clothe him and roll him out, Rawhide!

 

 

E) M&M store – Why is there an M&M store on the corner of Broadway and     49th Street?    Why not an Almond Joy store?  Okay – no one likes Almond Joys… An entire store of M&Ms?  Like we need another reason for 3rd world countries to hate us…

 

F) “TKTS” booth to be renamed “TICKETS” in the interest of not reducing every English word to a tweet.

 

G) Flatotel banished til it comes up with a name that doesn’t make me think, “WTF?”

Flatotel - Rooms

 

5)    The New York Yankees will now be known as the New York Mollies.  Finally, I am in charge of Andy Pettitte:)

 

6)    Bike riders can ride anywhere they want, as long as it’s Riker’s Island. 

 

 

7)   Duane Reade will now be Reade Duane.  Again, because I can.

 


8)    I love cats and dogs more than people most of the time but shit – those Sara McLachlan public service announcements for the ASPCA, Willie Nelson’s “You Were Always On My Mind” playing over one-eyed cats and abused puppies – outlawed.  I’m depressed enough.

 

 

9)   Selling and/or eating sugar-coated cashew nuts on NYC streets – felony. (Hey, Mayor Mike — how’d you miss that one?  I’d rather swim in an above-ground pool of Sierra Mist than come within a foot of those nuts and their vendors).

 

 

10)   H & M back to Sweden.  Having a clothing store that is the fashion version of an impressionist painting, (looks great from afar- close up, confusing, often heinous), helps our city only in the short-run.  When the sparkly mini you bought for that party splits down the middle while you’re standing, you’ll see why $9.99 buys a better burger in NYC than an outfit. 

 

11)  Selling of fake designer bags now legal.    Until Hermes can explain why there’s a longer wait-list for their Birkin bag than for a kidney, banned.  Non-negotiable.  That’s how Mayor Mollie rolls.

 

12)  Skorts, nautical-wear, any fringed article of clothing – boots, vests, David Crosby suede jackets – public execution.  Herald Square is now Tower Square.

 

 

13) Everyone can smoke cigarettes in the city, but only at Mayor Bloomberg’s townhouse.  Time to start bringing back conch shells from Bermuda, Mayor Mike – they make great ashtrays!

 

 

14)  High Line II – Will run through Williamsburg, Red Hook and Park Slope.  We’ve finally come upon a structure that draws noise, foot traffic, pollution and tourists – none either individually or collectively more annoying than hipster bikers, food co-operatives and children named Atticus, Romy or Sadie.  Bringing them together?  P.R. magic!

So there you have it.  There’s a new sheriff in town.  And she can reach the medicine chest without standing on tippy-toe.