Posts Tagged ‘fashion’

HEY — HAVE YOU LOST WEIGHT?

Monday, July 14th, 2014

 

 

J. Crew.  As if I didn’t have enough reasons to loathe you already.  Your jaunty, preppy clothes remind me of the jaunty, preppy YUPPIES who wear them.  Unless your name is “Brad” or “Todd,” “Lauren” or “Amanda,” you may not actually wear J. Crew clothes, but you’ve had their catalogues crammed into your mailbox, or worked with white people from Connecticut.  Redundant.  Wondering if J. Crew could be more pretentious is like wondering if Gwyneth Paltrow could be … well … more pretentious, making them quite the conscious coupling, come to think of it.

 

So now what, J. Crew?  In addition to the fact I don’t know what the “J” stands for, you makes clothes in colors so special you can’t even tell what color it is, like “Dark Cove,” and “Dusty Shale” and “Caribbean Sand.” A little arrogant – no? – to just toss together an adjective and a noun and let consumers figure out if your crew neck coordinates or clashes with their khakis.

 

There’s are some who believe  that all p.r. is good p.r.  Not so, J. Crew.  Not so.  Ask Anthony Weiner.

But clearly someone in your corporate office felt differently.  Because, when you should have been busy pleating your pants and pepluming your blouses, you instead spent your time creating TRIPLE 000, i.e., EXTRA-EXTRA-EXTRA SMALL jeans.  Many, many, many women are applauding you for inventing the size “triple zero,” as though “double zero” wasn’t an assault on every woman who eats.

Did you hear what the anorexics  — that’s right, I said it – are saying about this new faux-size?  “Well, I am rather petite,” said one woman.  ‘You know,” said another, “We’re supposed to be ‘sensitive’ to fat women,”  (and you certainly are, size 2s!),  “but no one knows the real pain one feels when a size zero is just too, too big.”   Oh, but you’re wrong, Human Wire Hanger Lady – I feel your pain, so much so that if I could get my hands around you without you slipping away, I’d tie you down and force-feed you beef tallow and a can or six of Duncan Hines Double-Chocolate Buttercream frosting.

“Wah, wah – I can never find jeans that fit me.”  I’d like to be more sympathetic but finding jeans that fit you perfectly doesn’t count as a real problem.  If this is something you find so distressing, clearly you haven’t had enough bad shit happen to you.  Here’s some:

 

1)   Your kid has Turette’s, ADHD, and you have no medical insurance.

2)   Your other kid is David Blaine.

3)   Your husband has a girlfriend.

4)   Your boyfriend has a wife.

5)   That freckle on your leg isn’t a freckle.

6)   Your neighborhood’s been gentrified and you have to move to another state.

7)   That other state is Montana.

8)   You just ate a protein bar and you think it had peanuts in it and you’re allergic to peanuts and your eye is all swollen and you can’t really breathe and – oh shit! – you left your EpiPen home!

9)   Your old boyfriend, the one who stalked you from middle school through college, is on the FBI’s “Ten Most Wanted” list for killing his old girlfriends. And someone’s knocking on your door…

10)                 Your father has Alzheimer’s and he’s moved in with you, but he keeps forgetting.

 

There.  Now you have some real problems.  Size “zero” still too big?  Buy a fucking belt.  Eat a fucking corn flake, half a pecan.  Stop puking your food up.  Stop running 5Ks before work every day. What’s the matter?  Am I making anorexics and/or naturally thin women feel bad?  First, as I am not a calorie, that’s doubtful.  Second, maybe when women who wear a size six stop feeling like it’s time for a gastric bypass, I’ll make an attempt to be more sensitive.

 

“Wah, wah – I can never find jeans that fit me.”  Yes you can.  Mattel makes them.  And now so does J. Crew.    I’m sorry but finding jeans that fit perfectly just isn’t up there with real problems.   If this is something you find so distressing, clearly you haven’t had enough bad shit happen to you.  Size zero too big?  Buy a fucking belt. Eat a fucking corn flake, half a pecan, stop puking your food up.  What’s the matter?  Am I making anorexics feel bad?  First, as I’m not a calorie, that’s doubtful and second, when size 6 women stop feeling like it’s time for a gastric bypass, maybe I’ll re-think my words and be more sensitive.

You know, everyone is so sensitive to fat people,” they cry, “but they think it’s easy being this thin!”   Did you get your hands on Anna Wintour’s diary?   You’re telling me that the same people whose goal it is, is to get as small as you, to have their collar bones protrude so much you could hang a coat on it, these same people who want to look like you and can’t because they don’t have your metabolism or genes or they enjoy a grape every now and then?  Those people?  The people who want to be you insult you?  “Move it, Skinny,” isn’t a term I’ve heard shouted at anyone on a subway.  In fact, if there ever were a group under-represented in terms of being insulted and discriminated against, it would have to be women who wear a size four or under.  But you know, passive-aggressively “complaining” how hard it is to be so thin just makes anyone else with keen observation skills and a bit of wit want to even things out just a tad…

 

1)   Heidi Fleiss laughs at you.

2)   Nicole Richie envies you.

3)   There was a lime in your Diet Coke – that means 90 minutes on the elliptical machine tomorrow!

4)   When you stand sideways, I can’t see you.

5)   When you stand straight ahead, I can’t see you.

6)   Bettheny Frankel thinks you could use a little meat on your bones.

7)   A soup bone thinks you could use a little more meat on your bones.

8)   Why is my forearm bigger than your upper thigh?

9)   Why is it when you wear jeans and an over-sized sweater, from far away you look like you have only one leg?

10)                   It must feel swell to wear a Honey Nut Cheerio as a ring.

Maybe it’s time to celebrate our differences.  How about a Cronut?

JOHN GALLIANO, MENSCH? UH, NOT SO MUCH…

Tuesday, February 19th, 2013

Dear John Galliano, former fashion designer and current anti-Semite,

I’m writing because I saw the photo of you on the front page of the New York Post and couldn’t help but notice your most recent

fashion choice .

 

Instead of dressing, as you’d say in your former business, more “on-trend,” you – drunk genius that you are – decided to

go “off-trend,” into the historical and religious world of the Hasidic Jew.  Oh – I know – the Jewish community, sensitive souls that we are

– are up n arms, thinking that, once again, you are displaying just un peu of anti-Semitism by picking an outfit resembling that of a

Hasidic Jew.   Of course it wasn’t, for the second time in about a year that you were making  an “I Don’t Heart Jews” statement.   I’m sure

that you just rolled out of bed, grabbed whatever was clean – your Hasidic hat, underneath, I’m certain, was one of your many yarmulkes,

those trousers you love stuffing into your long socks, and, of course, one of your several Hasidic black frock coats.

 

And I know, John, that unless you blow dry that fabulous frayed, split-ended skanky hair of yours, it just naturally

forms long ringlets. You know – like peyos, only not, because you would never mock the Jewish people.    You could try to blame

it on the booze.  It seemed to work last time, particularly with Whoopi Goldberg, who’d said she’d have been upset with

your “I love Hitler!  Your mothers and fucking forefathers would have been fucking gassed!” rant in Paris last

year if you hadn’t been drinking.  Thanks, Whoopi.  Your time would be better spent growing eye-brows.  But I digress…

 

Another of your defenders, costume designer Patricia Field, is a woman whose sense of  humor seems to be about as

discombobulated as her sense of fashion.

 

That’s right – I said it.  The Emperor has Skanky Clothes.

 

Here’s how it happened, I imagine.  In screenplay format…

 

FADE IN:

INT. – “SEX AND THE CITY” SET/DAY

Sarah Jessica Parker sits in her dressing room.  She picks up snow globe of New York City, shakes it and giggles.

She then picks up and “I LOVE NEW YORK” t-shirt and hugs it.  She places that down, picks up a New York Yankees hat

and puts it on, takes it off and puts it on with the brim in the back.   She looks into mirror that’s bordered in “I LOVE NEW YORK”

and “BIG APPLE” bumper stickers and talks to her own reflection.

SARAH JESSICA

Yeah.  Now that’s New York.

 

She adjusts hat, then puts 14K apple on chain around her neck.

 

SARAH (cont’d)

I may really come from Ohio but viewers these days have

trouble distinguishing  between what’s real and what’s on

television.  When “The West Wing” was on, they thought Martin

Sheen was the real president.

 

KNOCK ON DOOR:  A red-haired Cousin It enters.  It is costume designer, PATRICIA FIELDS.  She carries many outfits on hangers and

a lit cigarette hangs out of her mouth, parting her hair.

 

PATRICIA FIELD

Thank you, thank you, thank you Sarah Jessica Parker and your

Sex and The City” show for resurrecting my career.  Before you, I

had a little hole-in-the-wall shop on 8th Street off University

Place, catering mostly to “women” whose average shoe size

was a 13 ½. Triple E.

 

SARAH JESSICA

You’re so welcome.  What do you think is more “New York”?  Warm pretzel

with mustard or dirty water dog?  I have to give a speech and…

 

Field begins throwing clothes at Sarah Jessica.

 

PATRICIA FIELD

Let’s  see – a polka dot cardigan over a Mickey Mouse t-shirt,

pleated cupcake holder-as-hat, Catholic school pleated plaid

skirt, argyle knee socks and toe shoes…

 

SARAH JESSICA

Can the toe-shoes have a really high heel?

 

PATRICIA FIELD

I don’t see why not!  You are my muse!

 

SARAH JESSICA

Actually, I think your muse was my great-grandmother when she

got off the boat on Ellis Island.  Nana Pearl was wearing on her

person three seasons worth of clothing because her cardboard suitcase

broke.  So she wore necklaces over schmattas over a sable coat under her

housecoat, over 14 blouses and several sweater-vests.

 

PATRICIA FIELD

Yes – she does sound like my muse…

 

SARAH JESSICA PARKER

…and all those rubber-bands around her wrist.

Like those yellow “LiveStrong” bands, only more

Eastern European “ghetto…”

 

PATRICIA FIELD

Eastern European “ghetto.”  Yes, I like that.

Speaking of those Jews…

 

SARAH JESSICA PARKER

Um…I am one of those Jews…

 

PATRICIA FIELD

Poor Galliano.  Just because he said, “I love

Hitler!”  and  “people like you would be dead

today. Your mothers, your forefathers, would be

gassed and… dead…”

 

SARAH JESSICA PARKER

Ouch!  Not very nice…

 

PATRICIA FIELD

Don’t you people get it?  It was theatre!

It was farce!

 

SARAH JESSICA PARKER

So that means we can make Armenian

slaughter jokes – you know, call it a “tour

 de force!”  or “improv at its best!” and you

won’t be offended?

 

Patricia Field picks up cushion full of pins and sticks them into Sarah Jessica’s chin, one at a time.

 

FADE OUT
And then there’s Ms. Anna Wintour,

your other good friend who, when she isn’t growing her bangs long enough to cover

her Botox-injected forehead or forcing Andre Leon Talley to sit next to her so she’ll look

even more gaunt, is busy trying to get you back into the fashion design business.  Avec Oscar de la Renta.

Oy.  As Jerry Seinfeld once said, “Good luck with all that.”

 

Other designers, thus far, are not that interested.  Calvin Klein said,  “Don’t (cough) think (loser) so!” and Ralph Lauren,

nee Lipshitz, said, “I’m on the phone.  I’m on the phone in Westport, Ct.  My Labrador Retriever is by my side, as is my backgammon

set.  And badminton racquet.  What’s that?  The “n” in “badminton’ is silent?  My bad!”   Isaac Mizrachi purportedly squealed “Oy gevalt!”

and Diane von Furstenberg thinks you’re a little meshugah, though she won’t say it .

 

So who knows?  I’m sure someone owes Anna Wintour a favor or, at least would like to stay in the pages of “Vogue.”   But, on

the off-chance there is no work for you at a top fashion house, here are but a few alternatives:

 

*   John Galliano Kosher Pickles on Essex Street – uh, no – that’s not going to work out after all….

 

*   The Senate’s being a bitch about confirming Chuck Hagel as Secretary of Defense…  the uniform is kinda funky but I’m sure you can amp it

up with something offensive.

 

*    As they’ve done so much to make the Jewish people proud, perhaps the Emmanuel family – Rahm the Mayor and Ari the

Talent Agent and Ezikiel, the “bioethicist”– might like an adopted brother. You could be like the Marx Brothers.  Only not funny.

Oh wait – they’re Jewish.  Never mind…

OR

 

 

 

*   Fiddler on the Roof is coming back to Broadway.  Tevye’s already been cast but I’m sure they can always us another Cossack.

 

 

*  You could dress up as other groups and make even more friends.  First, shout some racist slurs in Mecca and Medina, then

a stroll about the marketplace in a burqa and chador. Vladimir Putin seems to have an excellent sense of humor, so how about a

sable hat, Russian peasant shirt and KGB pin on those days you’re feeling  — I don’t know – a little ‘blah’ and need to be chased

through the streets of St. Petersburg by the Red Army?  There are kimonos and obis and Kabuki make-up, leiderhosen and dirndl

skirts.  Throw in some togas and tunics and you’ve got the World War II Axis nations covered.  And no one will be offended – promise!

*    Fewer and fewer men are choosing  “moile “as a profession.  As you’re almost Hasidic anyway, this could be perfect.  But if it’s been

a while (i.e, never) since you’ve practiced any Jewish rituals.  This one involves removing the foreskin of the penis.  So you might want

to practice a few times. On yourself

 

*  Mel Gibson doesn’t seem to have as many friends as he used to.  He tends to like men like himself — out-going, confident men who

also happen to hate Jews only when they’re drunk.   Johnny, I think this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship…

 

 

 

 

 

 

I LOVE NEW YORK IN JUNE – THAT’S SO NOT TRUE…

Sunday, June 13th, 2010

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Every Friday morning, I have to walk west on East 40th Street.  On the northeast corner, there is  a “Hamptons Jitney” bus stop.  Having now walked past there eight Friday mornings in a row, I have drawn many conclusions, including the fact that, other than Puff Daddy, who does not take the Hamptons Jitney, there are no black people weekending in the Hamptons.   As I stumble over the J. Crew satchels and the tan-wannabes whose shoulders they hang from, THE giant Jackie O sunglasses and whatever length linen shorts Banana Republic is pushing this season, it is a picture, and not a pretty one, a sign that  summer is upon us.   Yes, I know the unofficial start of summer is Memorial Day Weekend,  but let’s keep things real – summer officially arrives on June 21.  It’s an important day for me, because from that day forward, the days, though by mere minutes, get shorter and shorter.  I love it.  Why?  Because I HATE the summer.

But Mollie, you wonder, how is that possible? Summer is the  season of the year.  The barbecues!  The iced teas!  Tennis!  Swimming!  Hiking!  (Am I the only person on the planet who hated Hike Day at sleep-away camp more than I hated Write-a-Letter-Home-to-Get-Into Dining Hall-Day? ) Okay, then, Mollie – what about the people who don’t feel well when the days are shorter?  What about them?  Those pathetic unfortunates who suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder?  Wait. I have to stop laughing.   It is not a “disorder.”  It is a “whine.”“OCD” is a disorder – call me when you’re washing your hands 113 times with liquid anti-bacterial soap before tapping the faucet elevendy  times, and then tapping the bathroom door-knob 3x the number of second cousins you have.   ADHD  is a disorder.  Let me know when you can’t sit still for more than 9 seconds without wanting to color in the Bronx with a box of Crayolas.  Those are disorders. Seasonal Affective Disorder?  Note that it doesn’t specify which season.   I like cloudy, cool, rainy days so if August is all sunshine and bright skies, do I get a mental health day too?   What could I possibly hate about the summer in New York?  Well, for starters…

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Even if it’s toned and tanned, polished and pedicured, sexy and slamming,  I would like a choice, when I walk out onto the streets, as to whether or not I want to look at your body.   In the winter, at least things are covered up – in the summer, my eyes are assaulted by your asinine tattoos, belly button rings, ugly toes,  – pedicures are like neon signs that call attention to one of the ugliest parts of the human anatomy. Is the toe next to your big toe longer than your big toe?  Isn’t it bad enough that you know it?  Do you think the fact that it’s polished Petal Pink makes it any less gross?

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What’s up with the giant liters of water? Are you a survivalist?  Then go back to your crazy cabin in the woods with the bear traps and your freeze-dried packs of inedible shit, and your guns — let’s not leave out your guns.  Are you in the middle of the Serengeti? Just finished running some stupid marathon for no reason other than “I can!”  No, you are probably eight feet from a Duane Reade or a CVS.  Yet there you are, carting around a gallon or Fiji Water like you’re some sort of urban mule, corner man at a prize fight, or member of the Bucket Brigade.

Summer footwear.   Chuck Taylor High Top sneakers and Capri pants don’t look great on a 47-year-old woman, even if she’s a hard body.  Crocs don’t look good on anybody.  Gladiator sandals. Oh you have them.  You know you do. Are you throwing Christians or lions into the Colosseum or participating in a chariot race or meeting Ben Hur for a mojito?   Why are these atrocities on your feet?  If Elle and Harper’s Bazaar and Glamour were telling you to wear chandeliers on your feet or watermelon rinds,  would you?  We both know the answer. Those of us who refuse to become Anna Wintour pod-people use this as a good rule of thumb:  if I’m walking down the street and someone yells, “Yo, Agrippina!” and I don’t turn around, I would probably feel silly in gladiator sandals.   Get a pair of Keds so I don’t have to laugh at you.

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Outdoor cafes.  In Paris, maybe.  In New York, get them off my sidewalks.  I don’t want to walk down Madison Avenue and have to watch you chow down on a Caesar Chicken Salad.  Nice piece of Romaine stuck between your teeth and by the way it’s me and not the person you’re dining with that’s pointing that out.  At the very least, let them pick up the check.   Do you think eating a turkey burger outdoors on 9th Street  between Avenue A and Avenue B makes you look European?  Your dead ancestors, the ones who shoved newspapers in their shoes to make them fit, who made a boiled potato last for a week – they are laughing at you.

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I have to wait even longer at Starbucks.  A White Mocha Valencia Double Espresso Non-Fat DeCaf Machiatto is now also served as a an Iced Mocha Valencia Double Espresso Non-Far DeCaf Machiatto.  People don’t fare well having to choose among chocolate, vanilla and strawberry.   Double their choices, I’m buying a can of Diet Coke from the falafel guy.  Thanks, summer.

Just because there is physical room to set up a habachi or grill someplace doesn’t mean you should.  Do you think I should look at a bunch of people  roasting a pig in East River Park while I’m driving on the FDR?  You’d kill for a hotdog right off the grill?  Go camping, go to a family reunion – a gas grill on your 2foot by 2foot terrace is only one  lit cigarette away from KABOOM! .  Dying for a ‘Smores?  Go back to Boy Scouts Camp – maybe you can earn another badge…

If you have to blast music from your car  with the windows rolled down so that the glass windows of every store on the street and every person’s spleen shake like they would during a 3.4 earthquake, then you are not only selfish, but moronic.  Do you think anyone, on their way to or from work, stressed people, put-upon people, people in a hurry, are really impressed that you have  a Monoblock Jackhammer Amplifier, 6” x 9” three-way speakers, dual 4 ohm sub-woofers?  Do you think random people will just either tune it out or really want to hear 50 Cent, at 85 decibels, impart the following?

You can find me in the club, bottle full of Bud
Mama, I got that X, if you into takin’ drugs
I’m into having sex, I ain’t into making love
So come give me a hug if you into getting rubbed
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Yo – read a book.  Word.

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Now I have to read your ironic t-shirts.  In the winter at least they are layered under your Army surplus  jacket and flannel shirt.  Now it’s coming straight at me in 72-point type — MEAN PEOPLE SUCK.  So does your shirt.

You love your girlfriend?  Swell. You’re hot for your new boyfriend?  Cool.  But when you walk in front of me in the summer, and you have your hand down her jeans back pocket, or you’re cupping her butt or you stop to shove your tongues down each other’s throats, or think grinding on the street as though you’re at some middle school dance,  makes me remember young love, you’re as wrong as you were when you thought Los Angeles was the capital of California.  You have crossed the line.  It’s getting’ hot out herrr-rreee – but keep on all your clothes.  And get a f**king room.

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Sweat.  It’s not pretty in a gym.  It’s not even pretty during sex and it’s certainly not pretty when you are a strap-hanger on the “D” train, standing above me.  Body odor + cologne = Aramis-scented body odor.  Shower. This is not only hygienic – it is a public service.

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July 4th.  In concept and in history it’s a significant, meaningful date.   In New York, it’s ADHD kids throwing cherry bombs and blowing a finger or two off in the process.  Fireworks.  Oooooh.  There.  I said it. Ooooooh.   Ahhhhhhhh. I said them both.   Now you don’t have to.  And for all of you who think you got a real bargain with the Old Navy $5 Fourth of July t-shirt when what you really got was a shirt that says, “I Didn’t Go Anywhere and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt.

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THE SEVEN ANNOYING HABITS OF NEW YORKERS – #2

Friday, February 19th, 2010

Following CELL PHONE ABUSE comes…

BACKPACK-WEARING

Are you a von Trapp?  A mountaineer?  On a Teen Tour through Europe?  If you are shaking your head then you, as a responsible adult, have absolutely no business wearing a backpack.  First, from a fashion point of view, the backpack is not a good look.  Here’s a little secret – the backpack never was and never will be a “cool” accessory.  It hits the same level on the Dorkometer as the fanny-pack.  Only one small difference.  The fanny-pack is capable of hurting me only aesthetically and visually.  Your backpack,mister, (or ms.), is a whole other story.  It is a weapon.  You probably don’t realize this because you apparently carry in this backpack either every hardcover book you own,
or several bricks, which accounts for the fact that every time you turn a nano-inch in any direction and smack into me, there’s so much space between your body and your backpack, you’ve no idea you’ve just fractured my third rib.   But I’m so glad that you have both hands free,one, undoubtedly, to hold your bottle of Smart Water.

Perhaps the best thing I can say about backpack wearers is that you are just a tad less annoying than those adults who opt for the wheelie backpack. Are you going to be late for class?  What could you possibly have to transport on a daily basis that would require, pretty much, luggage?  You figure that one out.  No, really.  Start now.

OH NO YOU’RE NOT….WEARING THAT PART 347,987,384,000,000,000,000

Sunday, February 7th, 2010

PONCHOS

Not even acceptable if you are trying to hide figure flaws.  Guess what?  Everyone knows because you’re wearing a poncho.   “But I like ponchos!” you whine.  Ask yourself some rather important questions: “Am I a Peruvian Indian?”  and  “When was the last time I wore an article of clothing where it was difficult to tell the front from the back?”  Finally, please remember that if ponchos added a touch of
class to anything, they wouldn’t be selling them at Old Navy.

CLAIRE’S ACCESSORIES

If you are over twelve years old, there is nothing at Claire’s accessories that will enhance your sense of style. Headbands?  Uh…no.  Faux pearls?  Faux pas.  “Hello Kitty” wallet?  Good-bye, dignity.   But, you counter, the stuff is cheap and fun and, in the right light, the cubic zirconia studs look almost real.  No they don’t.  Not even in no light.  Not even to Stevie Wonder.  You have as much business shopping for yourself at Claire’s as you do serving Lunchables at a cocktail party.

BODY PIERCINGS/TATTOOS

New York sophisticates do not get tattoos or body piercings that are visible to the passing stranger.  Teenagers get tattoos and body piercings, as do strippers, two groups of people whose analytical skills and life choices you do not want to emulate.  If you were foolish
enough or high enough  do to weird things to your body years ago, please try to cover it up when on the streets of New York, particularly if you are over 25 years old. The Chinese characters you had tattooed on your wrist don’t really say, “Harmony” or “peace” or “yin/yang.”  They say “Hot and Sour Soup,” and every Chinese take-out delivery guy that’s come to your door leaves not only with a tip but a good laugh. Other than one per ear lobe, body piercings are not a good look. Luckily, if left alone, most pierced holes close up eventually, though if you had a nose ring or eyebrow stud, you are probably accustomed by now to people confusing it with a carcinoma.  A special word to middle-aged men – only certain gay men, rock/rap stars, and a handful of professional basketball players can carry off a pierced ear or two.  In other words, if your name is Gary, if you work for the city, if you are 52, you look as good in earrings as you do in that Hawaiian shirt.

WELLINGTON BOOTS

There is an elite group of people who can wear these without encouraging muffled laughter from the rest of us.  Read this list carefully and act accordingly:

1)    four-year olds
2)    teenage girls
3)    bass fishermen
4)    gardeners
5)    anyone wearing a tag around his neck that says, “Please look after this  bear.  Thank you.”

PART 2: WOMEN’S WHAT-NOT-TO-WEAR DAILY or I’M OKAY — YOU’RE WEARING CAPRI PANTS

Sunday, January 31st, 2010

Who am I to tell you what to wear?  Let’s just say I am clearly louder than your full-length mirror or the salesgirl in the store who told you and everyone else from a size minus-zero to 5X, “That looks really great on you — you should buy it!”  So, you learned about message t-shirts.  Let’s move on, shall we, to…

WHIMSICAL SWEATERS

Do you frequent crafts stores?  Do you enjoy giving and receiving “homemade” gifts?  Do you change the windsock on your porch with each holiday?  Then you will never pull off that “high fashion” look.  If it’s something you crave, get a huge box of matches — right now — and burn any sweater with any of the following:  teddy bears, clouds and kites, snowmen and/or snowflakes, jack o’lanterns, kittens in a basket, (extra demerits if there is a ball of yarn in said basket), “fun” button covers — i.e., daisies, ice cream cones, four-leaf clovers, lady bugs.  Why?  The fact that you’re actually wondering frightens me, but here’s the skinny.  The last comment you want to evoke from others about your outfit other than, “Is that flammable?” is “That is so cute!”

There is no second childhood.  You had it, it’s over and, when you stop and think about it, you weren’t the one choosing your clothes when you were small enough to look adorable in sweaters appliqued with ballerinas and sailboats.  Repeat after me:  “Just because they make adult-size Tigger sweaters doesn’t mean I have to wear one.”  Thank you.  Sincerely.

OKAY.  ONE MORE FASHION FAUX PAS FOR TODAY…

PEASANT SKIRTS

Only peasants should wear peasant skirts.  Are you a peasant?  Perhaps you’re not sure.  Here are some questions to ask yourself, just to be certain:

1)  Do I eat root vegetables straight from the ground?

2)  Do I consider shoes “optional”?

3)  If I pour water onto the floor of my living room, does it turn to mud?

If you answered “no” to even one of the above questions, chances are you are not a peasant.  And you would be wise to note that, given the choice most peasants would go for the Chanel suit.

I’d write more today but you searching your closets and drawers for any of the above right now.  So I’ll give you time to “edit” your wardrobe.  But I’ll be back.  Probably sooner than you’d like…

WOMEN’S WHAT-TO-NOT WEAR DAILY or I’M OKAY — YOU’RE WEARING CAPRI PANTS

Thursday, January 28th, 2010

New York.  Fashion capital if the world.  But I know — it’s hard to keep up.  Who has time to read “Elle” and “Vogue,” “Marie Claire” and “Women’s Wear Daily”?  One year hemlines are up, the next, they’re mid-calf.  Are animal prints in or out?  Is it the season of the chunky heel or the strappy sandal?  New York fashion.  It’s a bitch.

But if you live here or want people to think that you have that “New York sense of style,” you have certain responsibilities, chief among them owning a full-length mirror and peering into it before you leave your house.  Always try to ask yourself, “Does this outfit invite perfect strangers to mock me?”  But — what if you aren’t sure?  What if you just can’t figure it out?  Breathe a loud sigh of relief.  I am here.  Alas, I am but one person with a finite amount of time.  I can’t dress you, for god’s sake but please, do yourself and everyone else around you a favor and stay away from…

MESSAGE T-SHIRTS

Now hear this — there is no message or information imparted on any t-shirt that is of interest to anyone who can walk and read at the same time.  We’re never met but I’ll go out on a limb and say that the “Rolling Stones” tongue t-shirt is probably not a good look for you unless you’re a hard-bodied 19-year-old on your way to a rock concert.  The streets of New York, for the well-heeled New Yorker, are not the place to pass along messages unless somebody asks and especially on a t-shirt.  Some cardinal rules:  if you are over the age of four and even contemplate wearing a shirt that says “Spoiled,” “Princess” or “Sagittarius, do not ever reveal this by removing whatever you were smart enough to wear over it.  Be bold enough to wear a t-shirt without hawking someone else’s product for free.  Calvin Klein would probably be appalled to see you in his t-shirt.  I’m appalled to see you in a Budweiser t-shirt with the silk-screened pot leaf on it.

A final note — those of you who insist on still wearing your thread-bare Ivy League t-shirt with “Harvard” or “Brown” emblazoned on the front, please  limit this to the gym or when you’re doing your laundry.  There’s a twenty-year statute of limitations on making everyone else feel inferior for partying in high school and your time has run out.  And please keep in mind that if everything after college didn’t suck so much you wouldn’t feel compelled to still be wearing that shirt.  Bet you miss the quad…