REALITY BITES…

 

 

 

       As distasteful as I find E! and any awards show that isn’t giving me an award, I’m not ashamed to admit that I know who Guiliana and Bill Rancic are.  She was E! reporter Guiliana DePandi and he won the first season of Donald Trump’s “The Apprentice.”  He was supposed to get out there and become the next Trump and, although she played a massage girl in “Malibu’s Most Wanted,”  went to school to be a “serious” journalist.

       Alas, the twists and turns life takes.  Today, they are best known as “Guliana and Bill,” just your average 7-figure income couple who have their own reality show, conveniently called “Guliana and Bill.”  Bill claims to know a lot about building huge Donald Trump buildings and, according to Wikipedia, (which means it’s true or his mommy wrote it), he is also a humanitarian and motivational speaker.  Wikipedia also said he owned a condo and sold it, and he owned house and sold it, which I guess, means I’m in real estate too. Motivational speakers are creepy.  Bill Rancic is creepy.  Guliana DePandi Rancic is skinny. Jack Skellington skinny. 

She has the eyes of a pug and the body of a greyhound, which makes her creepier than a motivational speaker.  You’re thinking it.  I’m saying it…

*    Guliana – right now the smallest woman’s dress sizes are XX-small and 00.  The only dresses Mattel make that might work on the red carpet belong to Barbie.  Eat a cashew.

*     Just because Donald Trump named his kid “Baron,” doesn’t mean you had to name your son “Duke.”  Donald Trump could have named his child “Downton Abbey” – he’s that rich.  You may be rich enough to be part of the Hollywood 1% who’ll never share your wealth with anyone but your heirs, but you’re not rich enough to choose a popular dog’s name for your first-born.

*   Fertility problems are not funny.  The fact that you changed the term “surrogate pregnancy” to “gestational carrier” is.

*     There are people who live in mud huts, so when you decide your multi-bedroom fancy L.A. neighborhood, infinity pool mansion isn’t big enough for the two of you and a seven-pound baby, you remind us why the storming of the Bastille couldn’t have happened soon enough.

*     I’ve been trying to figure whose teeth are bigger, Bill’s or Gary Busey’s.  Bill’s are definitely whiter, which I’m sure is important for a motivational speaker and humanitarian like Bill.  By the way, Bill – what kind of motivational speaker are you?  What exactly do you motivate people to do? Floss more often?   Turn a reality show win into a reality show into a reality show?  Prefer Omorosa?  It’s working.

*   I don’t want to say that it’s cloying to listen to you and your wife debate over and over and over again whether to live in Los Angeles or Chicago.  Personally, I’m just glad it’s not New York.

*    Guliana – you need some perspective.  You’re not on a “real” news show.  The cancellation of Kris Jenner’s talk show is not news.  Miley Cyrus’s new haircut is not news.  Stop the “serious news anchor look” as you throw it back to your co-host. He’s not Walter Cronkite.  He’s Ryan Seacrest.

*     I don’t know why you, Joan Rivers, the Osborne girl  with the scan code tattoo and that guy whose name I can never pronounce or remember, feel comfortable being fashion “Police.”  At what point do you get humiliated?  When do you and/or your husband say, “Um, that’s okay – I’m already on half a dozen mediocre, mind-numbing, specious cable shows.  I’ll pass.”?

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