IF YOU HAVE NOTHING SMART TO TEXT, DON’T TEXT ANYTHING

 

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I NO U R hard-pressed 4 time.  I NO U have so much to say.  And I NO that if U don’t communicate all of those brilliant thoughts, revelations and observations the second you have them, U will absolutely die.  If it weren’t for the Smart Phone, you’d have to just walk when you were outside or driving.  You couldn’t check your emails unless you were at home or the office.  The fact that we are of different generations may have something to do with this, but I do see people in their 40s, 50s, 60s with the same affliction, so perhaps age is irrelevant.  Perhaps it’s a mindset.  A mindset I don’t get.

 

 

1.  Who are you texting all the time?  Aren’t they annoyed?  Maybe they’re not reading your texts.  Maybe they just wait a few seconds and text back anything random, but you are so self-involved you never notice:

YOU:  “And then the guy at Bst By asked Y wood U want a Samsung Gal3 when, 4 50 bucks more U can gt a Gal4 &…

YOUR FRIEND:  LOL – broccoli rabe!

YOU: But the IPhone with 18% more pixels w/1136×640 rez +…

YOUR FRIEND:  FIIK!  Peach schnapps with a Flexi-Straw.

 

2.  What are you texting all the time?  “I’m taking the ‘6’ train”?  “The fruit and vegetable vendor is selling avocados and mangos”?  You think Trader Joe’s will be out of tiramisu”?   “YOLO!” and this is how you spend yours?  ROTFL.

 

3.  You don’t have to check your email.  I don’t know you, I couldn’t pick you out of a police line-up.  Here’s your email:

Piperlime Sale!  Free Shipping for purchases over $99!

Your Pharm4cy 0rder!

Online biz opportunity!  Work at home!

The Hottest Site on the Net!

 

4.  Stop tweeting.  If you were witty, your friends and family would have noticed by now.  I don’t want to know your inner-most thoughts and I really don’t want to know your political views, especially since you didn’t have them until you watched the “Daily Show” last night.   Why are you following Lena Dunham?   Is she funny-funny or do you have to like her, like you have to like skinny jeans even though you get UTIs from them?  Everyone else your age likes or purports to like her, so it’s probably not PC in your generation to say, “meh – not so much.”  Okay – let me articulate my point via relativity theory– “Honey Boo Boo” or”Girls”?

Filmmaker and actress Lena Dunham.

Game over.

 

5.  Make sure I can see your ear-buds because it’s awfully hard to tell the difference between a self-absorbed Yuppie on a Smart Phone and a delusional schizophrenic who thinks he’s on a Smart Phone.  No contest as to which conversation I’d rather overhear.

 

6.   Most people have trouble multi-tasking.  You’re probably one of them.  In any case, you can’t do more than one thing really well at the same time.  For example, Itzhak Perlman could probably play the violin and suck on a lime Lifesaver candy at the same time.

 

Madame Curie could have possibly discovered Radium while planning Sunday brunch in her head.

Derek Jeter could perhaps hit a walk-off triple as  he hums “Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes” to himself.

But I’m guessing each of these amazingly talented people concentrated on the matter at hand.  And yet you – average you – feel capable of walking, texting, not looking at the direction your feet are taking you, crossing a street, perhaps at a red light, with the utmost faith in your fellow man.  Do you see the irony in the fact that you are, in all probability not particularly proficient in any of the above?  Do you see the homeless woman with the giant trash bag overfilled with empty soda cans coming toward you?  How about the Maclaren Twin Techno stroller barreling toward your torso?  Or people like me, who see you coming and, on principle, refuse to step even an inch out of your way?  I will stand there like Lot’s wife, (after she is turned into a pillar of salt), and wait.

Will you be the texter who, at the very last second makes a hard right or left and avoids contact?  Or the one so self-absorbed that I’m that glass patio door you think is open until the shards of glass are poking through your forearms and you look like one of those dumb-ass wedding chocolate fountains, only  blood-flavor?

 

7.    What happened to your ability to spell?  Do you notice that it is getting worse and worse and wurse?  Do U notice your attention span is getting shorter?  Are you at all bothered by the fact that when a store has a sign that says, “BIG SAIL TODAY!” your first thought is, “I wonder if it’s a ‘final’ sail”?  How about the fact that if someone took away your Smart Phone, “smart” would probably not be one of the first adjectives people would use to describe you?

 

8.   If you can afford the data rates you shouldn’t have been “occupying” anything.

How cellphone cameras shape OWS

 

9.    Could you please Stop sending photos and stop taking Instagram photos.  You know who wants to see photos of your new baby?  Here’s who wants to see them…


1) Your parents

2) Your partner’s parents.

3) Your grandparents

4) Your partner’s grandparents

3) I’m trying to be nice here but I can’t think of anyone else.

 

10.   Why are you texting the person sitting across the table from you when you are on a dinner date? Are you texting one another instead of talking?  Are you calling for take-out?  Or, are you the dating equivalent of Gallagher and need props to break the ice?

Well????   Stop texting, for fuck’s sake and answer me.   NVM.  FWIW, IDGAF. Really.

 

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